The United Federation of Asian Perfect-ness – AsAmNews - AsAmNews

By Wayne Chan

By Wayne Chan, AsAmNews Humorist

I am a superhero. I’ve always known there was something different about me but until recently I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

I made this startling discovery after reading an article on Asian stereotypes and why, according to the author, all stereotypes, whether good or bad, are offensive. I’m not sure I agree with the author’s point considering how many of the stereotypes he mentioned were just so, gosh darn complimentary.

But particularly with the U.S. Supreme Court currently hearing arguments about whether affirmative action policies are creating disadvantages to Asian students in the country, I thought it might help to look at some of these stereotypes.

Let’s do a quick run through of the stereotypes in question:
• Asians are smart! Ok, yes…me.
• Asians are born with PhD-level math skills! Umm hmm…me again.
• Asians are hard working! Again…me.
• Asians are humble! Stop already! You’re embarrassing me!

The evidence is in. I am a superhero. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have these traits?

But because I’m a superhero by virtue of my Asian-ness, that also means the other billion or so Asians in this world are my fellow superheroes.
In fact, with so many of us around, we have formed an alliance. We’ve put together a kind of brainiac superhero organization dedicated to the pursuit of solving all mathematical equations with one slide rule tied behind our backs. A crack squad of overachievers that can leap tall physics equations in a single bound, be faster than a speeding calculator, and more powerful than a supercomputer.

Look! Up at the Pi! It’s a bird. It’s a plane! It’s Superasian!!!

We’ve already taken this to the next level – conventions, tupperware parties, the whole nine yards (or 8.2296 meters, in case you were wondering). We have an annual dinner and instead of a keynote speaker, we just pour out a box full of used vacuum cleaner parts, batteries, duct tape and other odds and ends on stage and see where our imagination leads us.

Last year I lost to Bonnie Yurimoto who won in the “Most Innovative” category, but I still say my hovercraft was way better.

All right, enough. Let me just take a moment to forcefully unstick the tongue placed firmly against my cheek and state, obviously, that I am being facetious.

In point of fact, I am a living, breathing example of an Asian that dispels most Asian stereotypes. I don’t really fit most the positive ones or the negative ones for that matter.

My math skills are beyond embarrassing. I routinely go to the “15 items or less” counter at the supermarket with 17 or more items. When I use a calculator, I do each calculation twice because I don’t trust my ability to type the right keys. I boast to my wife that I got a B+ in Advanced Calculus in college but I neglect to mention that I didn’t understand it even when I was taking the class. If I recall, my calculus finals used a multiple- choice format and I was on a hot streak that day (Let’s see…I chose an- swer “B” last time so this time I’ll go for a “D”…).

I do work hard but that has less to do with being Asian and more to do with having three kids, one dog, a big mortgage, and a steady craving for Krispy Kreme donuts.

As far as whether I match up with negative Asian stereotypes, let’s see. I’m six feet tall, have never owned a laundry, did not study to be an engineer, don’t know what a pocket protector looks like, and I was a running back on my high school football team. And while my math skills have never taken me very far, I’ve always had a knack for writing.

None of that makes me super, but it suits me just fine.

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Writing, by it’s very nature, is a process bound in isolation. Any writer, whether they are writing the next great American novel, or in my case, trying to describe in vivid detail the experience of being walked on by a heavy set masseuse, creates their work alone. A writer writes alone, usually in a quiet room, away from any potential distractions. Yet, it’s what happens outside that room that ends up being the subject of most of my writing. For example, a few days ago, I fell down a long spiral staircase. It took me so long to fall down these stairs that I actually had time to think about things on the way down. How long is this going to take? Why do I keep wearing socks when I know how slippery these stairs are? I wonder if my kids are watching me falling down these stairs? How can I only be halfway down these stairs? After I’m done falling, should I immediately scream or should I quickly take my socks off so my wife can’t tell me how many times she’s told me that I shouldn’t wear socks when I’m on the stairs? How much longer is this going to take? These are the types of topics that I write about in my syndicated column. And yet, since I’m rarely present when someone is reading my column to get their feedback, I sometimes make an effort to make sure that people are still interested in what I’m thinking when I’m falling down a set of stairs. A few years ago I started attending some writer’s conferences to see what other people were writing. This conference happened to be the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop held every other year in Dayton, Ohio. One of the workshops was called something like, “How a Writer Finds Their Voice”. My understanding is that a writer’s voice is the perspective of a writer as well as their individual writing style. Finding your “voice” is essential for any writer. Even after I started writing my column, I have wondered whether the perspective of an Asian American writer, particularly one that was writing about, let’s face it - drivel, was a good “voice” for a writer. As I sat down for the “Voices” workshop, I noticed that of the 200 or so writers in the room, I was the only Asian in the room. Not only that, I was the only non-white person in the room. Towards the end of the presentation describing several helpful exercises to help writers find their “voice”, there was a question and answer period. After a few others took their turn, I raised my hand. Hi. My name is Wayne Chan. I write a syndicated humor column, and I write from an Asian American perspective and tend to write fluff pieces about eating “Sushi on a stick” at the county fair or how I once used hand signals to communicate to my dentist of what to do to me since he didn’t understand English or Chinese. Do you think my “voice” is one that people will want to hear? After a brief pause, the presenter said, “Look around you Wayne. Everyone here is looking for their voice. You have one sitting in your lap. Go for it.” I’ve been following his advice ever since. I hope you enjoy my fun. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. Excuse me, but I need to go downstairs to get something. Wish me luck.

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